Child of mine, come
as you grow in youth
you will learn
the secret places
the cave behind the waterfall
the arms of the oak
that hold you high
the stars so near
on a desert ledge
…the important placesAnd, as with age, you choose
your own way
among the many faces
of a busy world
may you always remember
the path that leads back…back to the important places
Dad to Forest, 1986
The Important Places
CHANGING WITH THE SEASONS
What good is a half-lit life? You can burn me to ashes as long as I know we lived a life alight.
[Tyler Knott Gregson]
I found this poet, TKG, back in the day of my Pinterest wanderings. Or should I say, back in the day when Pinterest was life and ya gurl was on it for hours a day planning out every detail of the perfect life I aimed to live. *Disclaimer: Yes, I still wander around on Pinterest sometimes, mostly for recipes. It is a very useful website. Second disclaimer: Yes, these recipes are delicious.* But the time of thinking that I can plan out all of the details of my life in a way as easy and straightforward as my Pinterest boards make it seem has come and gone. I no longer think that I can plan things out in perfect little boxes.
As per usual with this day and age, I thought for a long time that there were certain things in life I needed in order to be content. I wanted the most unique closet, the most thought-provoking thoughts pasted on my walls, the most adventurous travel bucket list, the most romantic love story, the most cut abs, the most creative house. And then, because of all this, I believed I would achieve the most happiness a girl could ask for.
Screenshot of my actual Pinterest boards #facepalm
Well, time makes one wise. Seeing as I’m only 24, I recognize that I still have a lot of wising up to do. But I did eventually figure out that planning something does not mean that you will actually see that plan come to fruition. Duh, right? But I was naive.
After I decided that I would never be able to map out my life, I additionally decided that my desires were simply too strong. And that is why I would never achieve happiness through them. Being too strong of desires, I would never actually achieve said desires. That was my conclusion, and I shelved that conclusion for awhile, content to kind of float around in life, always careful to be wary of those strong desires and to never make plans that would break my heart if they failed.
And then some things changed.
It has been four years since I came to Christ in college. In those four years, happiness has been redefined for me. Eternal joy has replaced ephemeral happiness. But even with a radically changed life, I still struggle and still stumble. After all, I am not the perfect one.
So fast forward to the past few years, when I have realized that these desires are not only too strong but also just… Not the right desires. Who cares what my new pants look like or how I have decorated my house? Who cares if my love story isn’t picture perfect? (By the way, I have decided that my love story is polaroid perfect: the images are more unpredictable but more adventurous that way). And really, who cares if I have one ab or twelve? All of these things merely foster comparison, the thief of joy, anyway.
Ha, unfortunately, sometimes I DO care. Most of us do. Which leads to my next point.
I know that we all go through mountains and valleys in life. We have all heard that before. But I think that this mantra speaks to more than just the huge, intimidating mountains and the deep, dark valleys. Aka life’s greatest achievements juxtaposed to life’s grandest disappointments.
I think this mantra also speaks to the little mountains – the hills, if you will – and the shallow valleys – those gradual downhills that we barely notice until we reach the bottom of the ditch. Half the time we don’t realize when we have reached the top of a hill; or, on the other hand, we don’t realize that we are being dragged downwards.
I have acknowledged two things as of late. First, I want to celebrate the hills but often do not. Why? Well, second, there are a few things things in life that have been dragging me down and that I aspire to be rid of. These things manifest themselves in every day nuances and stem from those strong and simply not right desires I mentioned. Thankfully, the other day while reading Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis finally put wise words to my less than wise musings.
Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of rewards and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospel, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but TOO WEAK.
We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday by the sea.
We are far too easily pleased.
Those desires I had mentioned… I was wrong. They are not too strong.
THEY ARE TOO WEAK.
I AM FAR TOO EASILY PLEASED.
But, by the wrong things. So really it is a conundrum all around.
And then I think back to TKG’s quote at the top: “What good is a half-lit life?” Well, no good, right? I don’t want to live a half-lit life. I don’t want to look back at the things that I actually DID have control of changing but was too apathetic to put the effort in.
Therefore, as summer changes to fall, I am striving to change too. And this involves introspection, of course, and honesty with myself.
So I have to ask myself, what am I easily pleased by? What is dragging me down? What am I going to get rid of? How am I going to walk out of the ditch and onto the hill top and celebrate with all that I have and all that I am?
I am easily pleased by control. Hence my obsession with Pinterest back in the day. Not control over the huge things in life, those I have accepted are out of my hands, but the little things that I at least think I can manage.
#wronganswer #cantmanage #justcant
And then, when those little tiny things jump just out of my grasp of order, I am dragged down, mostly by worry. Sometimes that worry is accompanied by anxiety, nervousness, and fear. Ultimately, it causes me to get extremely worked up. This is mostly internal, but there are moments when I will have a mini external outpouring of worried frustration.
Let me tell you, I get worked up about the smallest things. And when I say small, I mean, really small. Maybe I can’t get the pit out of the avocado or maybe I think that the campsite we are headed towards will be full. Maybe I make a minuscule tear in a painting I’ve just finished or maybe I can’t find my left shoe. Maybe I worry about disappointing my boss if I can’t come in to cover a shift. Maybe I am anxious when I wonder if TJ will like my lasagna. Maybe I am nervous to wear something nice if it turns out everyone is in sweats. Maybe I fear standing out as an individual as much as I fear blending into obscurity.
But then, everything works itself out within five minutes or maybe a few hours and I realize, too late, that I wasted time being in this overstimulated worked up worried state. I recognize that worry is going to exist in life. I know that anxiety will creep in. Nervousness is inevitable. Fear will still lurk in the shadows. But I am going to try and save the outpouring of my worked up energy for things that are deserving of that energy. And too, I am going to try and remember what Jesus says about these negative things.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”
[Matthew 6:25-27]
Mmm, the Good book.
Or, if you aren’t into the Good book, maybe another TKG quote could help.
We can’t get so bogged down by the tiny failures that we let ourselves be dragged down into the ditches of life. When that happens, we miss the beautiful view from the hill tops.
All of this rambling leads to the conclusion that, this fall, I am striving to change. I am working to rid myself of that worked up fire inside me that misses out on the simple celebrations. God willing and God providing, I will hike boldly to the top of each hill placed in my path and meet the summit with joy and humility, laughter and thankfulness. I am convinced that the celebration of these small victories and this outpouring of happiness will enable me to live more intentionally, love more fully, initiate more boldly, respond more gracefully, and adventure more freely. I am also convinced that the celebrations of the hilltops will better prepare me for the ditches, valleys, and mountains ahead.
I will live a life ALIGHT.
It isn’t too late.
Time is not running out.
Your life is HERE and NOW.
And the moment has arrived at which you’re finally ready to CHANGE.
[Cheryl Strayed]
Here’s to taking a note from Mother Nature and changing as the seasons change.
-AJ
“MILE… MILE AND A HALF”
“Maine contains a subtle beauty whispered gently to you by the wind in the white pines and the waves lapping at a deserted beach. It will be understood only by those able to slow down and truly listen.”
I saw this quote on a VisitMaine website. I know, I know. Random. It stuck with me, though, because of its authenticity. I am a Mainer. A Mainah, if you will. A Maniac. Growing up in Maine really did teach me how to slow down and how to listen. It taught me how to see nature’s beauty more clearly.
At first, I left Maine simply to go to college in Georgia. Soon, I realized that I had no intention of moving back North to live out my life. But my roots – that ability to slow down and truly listen – still run deep.
Two summers ago in 2015, a few months after I graduated from Berry College in Georgia, I found myself in Maine, sitting on the floor of an extremely small but cozy house on a lake, daydreaming. I daydream a lot. I had just finished watching a life-changing documentary and had a few precious weeks left of an incredibly beautiful Maine summer. Though I was born and raised there, I only returned to Maine once a year throughout college. It was always over Christmas. Therefore, I had not experienced a Maine summer since 2011. It was strangely foreign.
Pushaw Lake, Maine
Let me tell you, Maine summers are inordinately different than Georgia summers. And they are even more different than Florida summers. I had spent the three summers prior in both of these states and not in Maine.
In Florida, I lived on the beach. It didn’t matter how hot it was because the ocean was always 100 steps away from the door of my room. There was always an oasis of never-ending blue waters waiting for me. Storms would pass through at least every other day, and it would rain. Pour, really. We would stay on the sand for as long as possible as the skies darkened and the thunder started to rumble, and then we would race the raindrops back to the grungy motel we lived in. Summers in Florida were spontaneous. I was surrounded by a hundred or so college kids involved in the same campus ministry – Campus Outreach. We were always doing something. Playing, singing, working, learning, growing. It was bliss.
Summer Beach Project 2015
Spikeball
Beach Daze
SBP 2014
Squad
Sunset
In Georgia, I lived near the beach. My parents moved to Savannah when I was a sophomore in college. Hilton Head, Jekyll Island, Cumberland Island, Tybee Island, St Simon’s. All of these were 30 minutes to an hour away from their apartment. We would alternate between these beaches and islands, bringing along a frisbee, lunch, a book for each of us, a camera, and sunscreen. Summers in Georgia were refreshing. I got to experience new places every week with my parents. It was grand.
St Simons
Jekyll Island
Mamma Bear at Tybee
Southern GA marsh
Cumberland Island
Clearly, with these three summers under my belt, I was used to the ocean. I even spent two of my spring breaks on Florida beaches. And I spent a plethora of time on the beaches of Prince Edward Island in Canada growing up. There, some of the best memories of my childhood were formed. We drank fresh squeezed lemonade, made sandcastles, and went on long walks over the red sand. And I wouldn’t trade those beach days, time with friends, or time with family for anything.
But it’s funny. You know that question that always seems to come up when you’re getting to know someone for the first time?
Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
I have, without a doubt, spent more time at the beach than in the mountains. And yet, I have always felt more at home in the mountains than I ever have at any beach.
Thankfully, I grew up camping. Even though we didn’t camp in the mountains, the word “camping” seems inextricably tied to the word “mountains” in my head. And it always has been. This may be where part of this story starts, even though I didn’t realize it until just now and have lodged it somewhere in the middle.
Oh, camping. It wasn’t hardcore-in-the-middle-of-nowhere, will-we-have-enough-food, help-a-bear-is-nearby, camping. It was always at Balsam Cove Campground on Toddy Pond in Maine. We were always at campsite 20. We would go twice a summer for a week or so at a time. Our campsite was the best around. We had two or three tents, depending on who was with us for the week. We had tarps bungeed to trees above our tents, creating an impenetrable shield from any rain above. We had it planned down to a science – everything from the meal planning to the firewood to the baitfish we used for fishing. My brother and I felt like the king and queen of Balsam Cove because we knew so much about it. I think we went for at least ten years straight. These, along with PEI, are some more of the best memories of my childhood. But again, it wasn’t in the mountains.
My mountain moments were more fleeting, it seemed. Often more of a “wow, was I really just there?” than a genuine validation that I had, indeed, spent time in the mountains at all.
But although my time in the mountains were always short, they were many. I hiked in Baxter State Park, Acadia National Park, the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park all by the time I was 10 years old. They were always day hikes, never very long. But by the summer of 2015, the one where I was daydreaming on the floor of the lake house, my mountain moments had grown during the years between age 10 and age 21. I went to Zion again with my family. I spent one fall break camping and hiking in Pisgah and the Smokies with some friends. I spent the next fall break in Virginia and hiked to McAfee knob on the Appalachian Trail with some girlfriends. Three close friends and I drove straight from Georgia to Utah and adventured in Zion, Antelope Canyon, and the Grand Canyon.
Zion National Park, UT
Pisgah, NC
Smokies, NC
Natural Bridge, VA
NC
Zion National Park, UT
Zion National Park, UT
Grand Canyon, AZ
I started exploring alone, too. I hiked Blood Mountain. I ventured to Cloudland Canyon and DeSoto State Park. I climbed at Sandrock and Little River Canyon. I explored John’s Mountain and the Pocket. I skipped the Black Friday madness and hiked the AT Approach Trail from Amicalola Falls to Springer Mountain.
Blood Mountain
Cloudland Canyon
Amicalola Falls
The Pocket
By 2015, then, I felt slightly seasoned by the mountains. But I still craved more. And I still felt like my time in the mountains was too short. So there I was, daydreaming on the floor, thinking about the documentary I had just finished. It was on the John Muir Trail, called “Mile… Mile and a Half.” The wheels in my head were turning. I decided that I would hike the JMT someday.
Maybe watching that documentary is when it really clicked. When I truly realized how much I loved being outside, reliant on my legs and my lungs and my drive and my wit. It was that night, in Maine, that I started planning. I started with the things in Maine that I never did growing up. I had little over a week left there, but I finally hiked Precipice in Acadia. And I hiked the hardest route up Katahdin, to Baxter Peak, across Knife Edge, and down with a friend from high school.
Precipice, Acadia
Precipice, Acadia
Katahdin, Baxter
Katahdin, Baxter
A week or so later, my sister and I flew to LA and drove up the Pacific Coastal Highway to San Francisco. We camped in Morro Bay and Big Sur. I convinced her to go three hours out of the way so we could visit Yosemite, with the documentary on the JMT on the back burner in my mind. We hiked the Mist trail to Vernal Falls and then to Nevada Falls. My eyes opened wide and my breath caught whenever we would reach the top of something. The beauty overtook my senses. On the Mist Trail, we passed a sign for the JMT. I longed to wave goodbye to any and all responsibilities and start on that trail instead of the one that would take me back to the car. I left those California mountains even more inspired.
Yosemite
Nevada Falls
Yosemite Valley
Big Sur
In fact, I always leave the mountains inspired.
When I think of the mountains, I think of a few things. I think of John Muir’s quote: “The mountains are calling, and I must go.” I think of breathtaking views. I think of hiking. I think of wildness and risk and semi-planning things but mostly flying by the seat of your pants. Flexibility. Camp coffee. Aching legs. The seemingly never ending up-up-up of the trail. And I think of backpacking. I even imagine myself backpacking. Setting up camp. Cooking over a fire or with a stove. Sleeping under the stars. Waking up refreshed but sore, eager but hesitant to move my muscles.
I imagine myself doing all of these things even though, for awhile, I had never gone backpacking before. Ever.
A year and a half after the impactful documentary, I finally went on my first backpacking trip. It was in September. Fall: arguably the best time to backpack. TJ and I went to Panther Creek. I would barely call it backpacking, except for the fact that we did, indeed, hike in a ways, set up camp, hike to the falls the next day, and hike out. I had never set up camp more than a 5 minute walk away from the car. I had never carried my tent or my sleeping bag or pad with me for an extended period of time. In fact, I had only purchased or been given these things within the year. All that to say, our adventure at Panther Creek was both incredible and incredibly short. We were as novice as novice goes. We didn’t yet have a camp stove or good backpacks. I think TJ wore old and worn tennis shoes. And we undoubtedly overpacked for our day and a half trip.
But we woke up with the sun. And we experienced beauty. And we left inspired, linked together indefinitely by our love for nature and our desire to experience more. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Since Panther Creek, we have gone on numerous hikes and backpacked twice more. The first was Black Friday weekend, when we obeyed both our desire to adventure and REI’s call to #OptOutside. We spent two days, one night, and twenty miles hiking around and to Mount Cammerer in the Smokies. There were SO MANY THINGS that we had to troubleshoot.
We were very new at this whole thing.
Problem #1: We didn’t think about the fact that a permit pass might be necessary to camp until, of course, we are about to park our car and had no wifi to get said pass. We had to drive back the way we came until we got wifi. Clearly, our trip started out with forced flexibility. TJ was fine, mind you. I was the stressed one. It’s part of why we make a good team. We got our pass, after a lot of worrying by yours truly, and carried on.
Problem #2: This was back when there were all those forest fires. There was a fire ban, remember? We grabbed our rain jackets last second, thinking we would regret the extra weight when they got no use. But man am I thankful we grabbed them! We experienced freezing rain. Looking back, this blows my mind. It was around a week later when the forest fires ravaged through Gatlinburg. How in heck were we seeing rain?!
It was almost immediate, too. One minute we were excited because we had reached a junction in the trail that was, we thought, minutes away from our desired location to camp for the night. And the next minute, all the negative things happened at once, as they often do. The rain. Problem #3: The realization that we read the map wrong and had another 3 miles or so to go before reaching camp. Problem #4: The struggle I had trying to zip the stupid bottoms back on my stupid hiking pants that I had borrowed with my stupid freezing fingers. Problem #5: The fact that it was starting to get dark.
Talk about a struggle. At that moment at the junction, I wondered what the heck I was doing and questioned why I was there and if I was actually capable of backpacking like I had so often imagined.
But we moved forward. We set up camp in the dark. Problem #6: My headlamp died. Problem #7: We borrowed a JetBoil from some friends. The one I had practiced on a few weeks prior had an ignition switch. This one did not. We thought for a moment that we wouldn’t get to eat because of our stupidity to not test THIS stove out before using it on the trail. But both of us had brought matches… I guess we are slightly smarter than I give us credit for!
Problem #8: When we hiked those extra 3 miles down to camp, it was all downhill. Therefore, we had to hike those 3 miles back up the hill to that junction the next morning, therefore covering more miles than we had anticipated. And backtracking.
Thankfully, everything changed round 2 at the junction where all the struggles happened the night before. There was an internal change that occurred as a result of external beauty we witnessed. At the junction, we were confronted with a frozen oasis of frost and ice covered trees. It’s funny, really, that the same place where I had a minor panic attack and immense amounts of doubt the night before was the same place where we experienced the most beauty and awe the next morning. We laughed about it. We thanked the Lord for His plan. Yes, our legs were a little more tired due to the extra miles. Yes, we had to backtrack. Yes, we had a moment of struggle in that same spot less than 24 hours before. But wow, He put on a show for us.
We went about our day and experienced so much beauty. We had incredible conversation, both with each other and with strangers. We ended up hiking an hour or so in the dark back to our car that night with only one headlamp, thinking that every stump was a bear. Or a murderer. Either/or. Though slightly nervous, this didn’t affect me as much as it would have the day before. It didn’t even make it onto my mental list of “problems.”
We had found a deeper meaning behind our adventures.
We didn’t backpack again for five months, due to busyness (which I hate) and not due to the struggles we experienced in November. Those didn’t stop us, thankfully. The winter oasis at the junction saved us. Or, me, at least. TJ hadn’t experienced as much doubt as I had. He is more adaptable and steady than I am, I think. Just another reason why we make a good team.
In those five months, we did two things: we planned and we sought beauty. We compiled a list of backpacking essentials that we needed. We drooled over future trips, like hiking the JMT or the AT or the PCT. Or heck, all of them. We went on day hikes to fulfill our desire to be on the trail.
TJ came to Maine for Christmas (that was an adventure in itself, as he got to meet the entirety of my crazy family!) I took him to Acadia. It was a crisp day, but the sky was clear. We went to Jordan Pond and tried not to wipe out on the ice that covered the trail. Next, we visited Sope Creek near Atlanta on New Years Day, starting 2017 out right: outside. Then, we visited the Muir Woods, Point Reyes National Seashore, and Yosemite in March. We hiked what we could of the Mist Trail that I had hiked with my sister all those months before. A lot of it was closed because of the snow and ice. I told him how close the JMT was. TJ had watched the same documentary, separately, before we had even met. So we daydreamed, some more, of course. We are always daydreaming. Always living our days to the fullest, but looking forward in eager anticipation to the next time we will find ourselves in the woods with our packs for longer than a few hours.
Yosemite Falls
Point Reyes National Seashore
Bridal Falls
John Muir Woods
Acadia National Park
Easter weekend, we backpacked again. TWO nights instead of one! Clearly, we are starting small. We are making sure we don’t dive into something that we can’t handle. We are learning, slowly.
This time, we made our way to the Byron Reece Trailhead in North Georgia. We didn’t get there until 7pm on a Friday and made great time up switchback after switchback to camp at Flatrock Gap. We set up camp faster than before. AND, we still had daylight. There had been bear sightings near us, so we ghetto-rigged our bear bag to hang from a tree branch down the trail from our camp.
We woke up Saturday and tried out camp coffee for the first time with our JetBoil french press. Coffee may be an unnecessary weight on the trail, but I think it’s a weight that I am okay with carrying. It makes the mornings very enjoyable! We had a meal of Mountain House scrambled eggs. Note: the biscuits and gravy meal tastes MUCH better. We hiked to the summit of Blood Mountain and encountered several Appalachian Trail thru-hikers and were both incredibly envious. I experienced that same emotion that I had with my sister back in Yosemite when I saw the sign for the JMT: why not just abandon everything and hike to Maine? TJ, you in? Cool, yeah, let’s do it!
Ha, if only.
We ended up doing a loop up and around Blood Mountain and down the Freeman Trail, back to where we had camped before. Then the best part of the trip began: we were hiking on the AT!! We could pretend that we were, in fact, leaving everything else behind. For a day and a half, we were AT hikers.
There are 28 or so Outfitters that a hiker may encounter or pay a visit to while on the AT. Of those, only 6 are actually on the trail, and only 1 is in Georgia: Mountain Crossings. And, lucky us, we got to swing through this hiker paradise on our way to Cowrock Mountain. There were hundreds of used and abused hiking boots hanging from the trees outside. We made a mental note to hang our boots there if/when we ever got to thru-hike the AT. (I say “if” in case it doesn’t happen, but – spoiler alert! – we deeply desire to thru-hike someday). We went inside and imagined what we would buy if we were actually thru-hiking. A Dr Pepper? A Snickers? Both? It was a strange but really cool experience.
The most impactful part of our trip, though, was that a tradition began for TJ and I. Sunday morning was Easter Sunday, so we decided to wake up before the sun did. We made coffee and studied the chapters of Jeremiah that we had printed out and brought with us. All of this was from inside an Eno Hammock, bundled up in a North Face Cat’s Meow sleeping bag. It was chilly. We watched the sun rise and we praised God for the resurrection of Jesus. That memory is branded in my mind and heart.
Every Easter, we decided that we want to wake up before the sun. Who knew that the first year of this tradition would occur around the 35 mile mark of the Appalachian Trail?
#thanksnature #thanksJesus
Camp cooking
Blood Mountain
Cowrock Mountain
Blood Mountain Wilderness
Eno Hammock
Our trips have reminded us of the subtle beauty that is experienced in the midst of God’s wilderness. When you hike, you have to slow down. A mile goes a lot slower on foot than it does in a car, and you get to notice so much more! You get to listen to everything around you. You get to listen to the stories of the people you meet. You get to listen to whoever you have with you as hiking partners. You get to listen to your own heart and soul. You get to listen to Jesus whispering on the wind and in the trees.
Slowly, you will understand more. More about our earth, more about Jesus, more about your companions, more about yourself. More about truth and joy and simplicity and love and light and freedom and adventure.
I don’t really have anything impactful to say to end this blog post. I mostly wanted to write it because of the quote I saw on the VisitMaine website (which, by the way, I have no clue how or why I was on said website in the first place!) It made me start processing through the time I have spent outside and the plans that I have for the future. In addition, I want to document future trips more fully, and figured a backstory was needed before I could do that.
All that to say.. Freaking get outside! Explore. Listen. Understand. I promise, it’s worth it.
Until next time, adventure on!
DeSoto State Park, GA
-AJ
ATLANTA BOUND
Who is ready to hear about how I am FINALLY MOVING TO ATLANTA?!?! First, you have to suffer through a little backstory. Or you can enjoy it. Or skip it? Y’all do you.
Most people know that staying in Rome after graduation was never my plan. If I had written a list of all the things I could possibly do when I graduated, and even if that list was 15 pages long, staying in Rome would not have made the list. I am serious when I say that I did not want to stay in this city. City? Town? Bubble that is Berry College? I am not entirely sure how to even categorize it anymore.
Freshman year at Berry
But the Lord had a plan, as He always does, and His plan WAS for me to stay in Rome. So I graduated in May 2015, worked in Panama City Beach with Campus Outreach over the summer, and moved back to Rome in September 2015. At first, it really was great. An incredible transition year. I interned with Campus Outreach and got to invest in some pretty awesome girls. I was challenged daily at Winshape Wilderness, now Teams, to become more comfortable both 40 feet in the air and chatting with groups about team building and leadership development. I made some rocking salads at Doug’s Deli and later transitioned to Blue Sky Outfitters, both downtown. In addition to work, I was a part of an incredible church (3 Rivers shoutout!) and surrounded by a great community.
Campus Outreach
Winshape Teams
Doug’s Deli
Blue Sky Outfitters
Eventually, come early spring of 2016, I started to get stir crazy. I was ready to get out of my comfort zone. I was ready to try something new. And that ultimately meant that I was ready to leave Rome, the place I have called home for five and a half years.
I started thinking about moving to Atlanta last February, simply because I wanted to try out city life at some point in life, even though I have never really been a city girl. ATL became even more desirable when I tried out for several club ultimate frisbee teams in May. I made the Jared Lorenzen Project. JLP. A first year team. I knew nobody going into the season, but those people quickly became some of my favorite humans. Their enthusiasm, love, craziness, and motivation added to the allure of ATL. As soon as I made the team and was traveling there twice a week for practices, ATL felt even more like the right next step in life. I started looking for jobs and became more and more serious about a potential move. I was terrified, yes, but excited too.
ALERT! CHEESY BONUS: I met TJ – one of the most genuine, easy-going, hilarious, and loving men that I have ever encountered – at frisbee tryouts that spring. #ThanksBucket. Getting to know TJ consisted of hour long breakfast dates once a week for the month of June. We started officially dating in July, and the past 8 months have been incredible. For all of those who have asked, “OH you’re just moving to Atlanta to be with your boyfriend?” Incorrect. I love this man, but I was already feeling drawn to the city before I even knew he existed. Am I excited to finally be done with a short-distance relationship? DUH! Of course. Anybody would be! But I am not JUST moving there for him. The Lord simply happened to place TJ in the same city He was already pushing me too. I like His plan.
Job searching was not an easy process. In fact, it was extremely frustrating. I looked for approximately 9 months. At first, I was super picky. I had interviews at places like the CDC and environmental consulting companies. Some seemed promising, but nothing worked out. Soon, I was less picky. Plus, I had no clue what I wanted to do anyway. I applied for lab research positions at universities, rehabilitation aide positions in hospitals, any and every position at the zoo, veterinary clinics, front desk positions at a multitude of companies… The list goes on. Eventually, I was discouraged by the interviews that did not lead to job offers and by the constant nagging in the back of my brain – “what the HECK do I even want to do in life?” Finally, I realized two things. First, my financial situation in Rome was disastrous with my inconsistent part-time jobs. Second, I was overdue for a slightly risky/what do I have to lose/JUST DO IT/there is a plan!!!!! move to a new city.
So, I am doing just that!
*Drumroll please*
For now, I will be taking a serving position at The General Muir over in Emory Point. Or as I will forever prefer to write it, TGM. As Atlanta’s 50 Best Restaurants puts it, “TGM has become an indispensable part of Atlanta’s culinary landscape for its upscale New York-style Jewish deli menu.” (It made #9 out of 50 restaurants, by the way, in case you were wondering).
Photo from TGM website
This was never my plan. And part of me – the prideful part – wishes I was taking a “better” or more “exciting” job to tell my friends and family. I have already gotten some lame comments. “Oh, that’s what you will be doing?” “Wait, let’s think this through. Have you thought about doing THIS instead?” “What is it that you even want to do in life, anyway?” These comments are not extremely helpful. And they are zero percent encouraging. Therefore, as the [old and wise and] super millennial saying goes – Haters gonna hate.
After accepting the position, I discovered an interesting fact about myself that I had never realized before. Since 2008, there has never been a year where I did not work at a restaurant in some capacity. In high school and into college, from 2008-2012, I did a little bit of everything at Bagel Central in Maine. The summers of 2013 and 2014 brought me into a serving position at Joes Crab Shack in Florida. I learned how to make pretty rad salads at Doug’s Deli in Rome from 2015 into 2016. And now, in 2017, I will be part of a new restaurant family at TGM. I could take this fact and wonder why I am not doing “better and more exciting things” in life. OR I could take this fact and thank the Lord that He provides.
I am extremely relational. I love people. I love talking to people. I love listening to stories. I love serving the needs of those around me. I love laughing and making people laugh. I love finding a way to relate to others. I love being a bright light. I love building relationships and investing in those relationships. Honestly, I know I will love serving. I will not start training until March 14th, but I already printed out a menu to start learning it. Because I am a nerd, mostly. But also because I like to give things my all. And I want to not only be SERVING by definition of job title, but by definition of serving for Christ too.
Menu learning
Serving at TGM will FINALLY bring me to Atlanta. It will be a welcomed change of lifestyle and of scenery. It will bring me closer to all of the people in the city that I have gotten to know and that I love dearly. It will give me opportunity to continue job searching while actually supporting myself. And it will allow me to spend time doing things that I enjoy.
Lastly… Randomly…
A handful of months ago, amidst the job search frustrations, I told TJ that maybe I should just get a serving job so I could move to ATL and that I could try and sell my art on the side. (This is funny to look back on now). I was mostly kidding, although realistically I knew this would bring joy to both my life and hopefully to the lives of those around me. But I was stubborn and did not want to take a serving job JUST to get to ATL. I also did not think that my art was worth selling until folk started to tell me otherwise. The Lord hardened my heart at first, but lately He opened my eyes and helped me realize that He has done all of this in His perfect timing. So many little things have fallen into place the past few weeks.
In conclusion, I cannot wait to serve.
I also cannot wait to actually try and sell some of my art. Cause, why not try?
willow painting
white tiger sketch
watercolor moon-sailboat
lion sketch
dakotah painting
journal decorating
calvin & hobbes painting
night sky painting
watercolor whale
watercolor cardinal
Keep an eye open for my attempts to sell art. Slash if you want me to try something out, let know. I have been experimenting a lot lately and would love requests!
Finally, everyone should visit me at TGM. But… not all at the same time. Maybe no parties bigger than six, deal? And try not to be too complicated when you order. And please, could you wait until I am done training? I want y’all to at least think I know what I am doing.
Peace, Food, and Art,
-AJ
TRUTH.ADVENTURE.SIMPLICITY
I am not very consistent with this whole blog thing. In my perfect world, I would write a blog a week. I already journal daily because of my need to pour out my thoughts onto paper so that I can reread them later if I want to (and because I think that I sometimes have inklings of wisdom that someone else may need later). A blog, then, should not be so hard.
Because of this inconsistency, I have only written three posts so far. One focused on ADULTING and was inspired by my frustrations of rudely being told I did not have a “real job” yet. The next focused on INSECURITIES and was inspired by hurtful words and my subsequent desire to finally put a stop to the “you are not enough for me in these ways / you are too much to handle in these ways” BS that I have believed for years. The last focused on SATISFACTION and how there are right and wrong places to seek it and was inspired by an intense study of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.
You know, maybe I have gone about this whole blogging thing in the wrong way. Or maybe not the wrong way, but not the right way, either. Prior to recent musings, I believed that my words here should ONLY stem from huge mind-blowing and life-altering emotions or experiences that affected me greatly and that would therefore affect any readers even more greatly. Otherwise, it would be a pointless post. A waste of my time spent typing and a waste of anyone else’s time spent reading. And this is indeed how the first three posts came to life. Did you notice that? Two posts stemmed from me being annoyed and one stemmed from me feeling convicted. This is not wrong. But it is also not all that I desire from a blog.
I have always loved words and writing. I grew up writing stories. Made-up, silly stories. One was about talking animals. A whole slew of them. And it was gold. Another was about a vagabond group of kids that I seriously somehow wrote 100 chapters on. It was a constant cycle of something bad happening and my favorite character saving the day. I desperately wanted to be that character. Eventually, we had to write stories in school that were actual accounts of our lives. Those were always more challenging yet more rewarding.
I love documenting things in life that impact me profoundly. I have realized lately that these things are not always earth-shattering and that this is okay. In fact, these things are often ordinary. Things that could easily go unnoticed. Unexpectedly beautiful things. Perfect in simplicity things. And yet, all exceptionally profound and impactful things.
“In anything at all, perfection is finally attained not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away, when a body has been stripped down to nakedness.”
[Antoine de Saint-Exupery]
This quote gets to me. And I think it has helped me to slowly understand what we need to achieve “perfection” in life. And also what we do NOT need. We do NOT need loads of money, fast cars, fancy clothes, a plethora of admirers, academic success, a flawless body, athletic achievements, reoccurring promotions in a career, or a fairytale romance to make life “perfect”. We do NOT need to keep ADDING things into our lives in search of happiness, fulfillment, success, or whatever it is that we may be striving after.
In contrast, we DO need contentment. We need joy amidst all circumstances. We need simplicity. We need authenticity. We need vulnerability. We need community. We need hope. We need foundations of trust. We need commitments of love. We need peace.
Most importantly, we need Truth. To me, Truth = Jesus. To you, it may not mean this.
To me, Truth is an inspiration, a battlecry, and a command.
Let your hope make you glad
Be patient in times of trouble
And never stop praying
[Romans 12:12]
I desire to be stripped down until there is nothing left to be taken away. I do not want to forever be chasing after things of this world that I think will bring me satisfaction.
I want three things, and I changed the motto of this blog, if a motto is what one would even call it, to reflect those three things:
“life is for Truth, adventure, and simplicity”
I want these three things. We are all merely sojourner’s in this world and in this lifetime. This is not our home and we will not reside on earth forever. So let us take hold of things that matter, especially Truth.
My goal is to keep documenting things. Whether monumental or minuscule, if a thing has a profound impact on me, you can be certain to find it here.
Until next time,
EMBODY TRUTH
2 Corinthians 5:14 “For the love of Christ compels us”
CHASE ADVENTURE
Sand Rock, Alabama
and REST IN SIMPLICITY
the Pocket
-AJ
[Feature photo taken somewhere in the woods at Berry College]
CHASING THE WIND
“DONT CHASE THE WIND.
IT CANNOT BE CAUGHT.”
My stepdad has said this phrase to me quite a few times. He has said it referencing a foolish opportunity that I have wanted to run after. He has said it referencing my interest in guys who haven’t returned an interest in me. As daughters often do – or maybe this is just me, I am a stubborn one – I have always LISTENED to this advice. But I have never really HEARD the truth in it. Until recently, it has gone in one ear and out the other. Oh how stubborn and prideful my soul!
I recently studied Ecclesiastes and I have quickly realized how right my stepdad’s words are (per usual, I suppose). The main theme of Ecclesiastes is a reflection on the meaning of life, containing a constant comparison between the MEANINGLESS and the MEANINGFUL. Scholars believe that God inspired King Solomon to write this book near the end of his life, around 930BC, intending to reach all of Israel as an audience. The wisdom that the Lord speaks into Solomon and the words that we read hundreds of years later remain relevant.
So, what did I learn from Ecclesiastes? Well, in the very first chapter, Solomon comes to the conclusion that everything is meaningless (v2). Seems kind of bleak, doesn’t it?
MEANINGLESS:
- no meaning
- no importance
- no value
- no significance
- POINTLESS
- EMPTY
- SENSELESS
- A WASTE
“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; ALL of them are MEANINGLESS, a CHASING AFTER THE WIND” (v14)
studying Ecclesiastes
So what does this mean? Essentially, it means that most of the things that we put our time, energy, and efforts into are simply not worth it. Such efforts are comparable to one racing after the wind to catch it. And the wind cannot be caught.
MEANINGLESS.
v7-8 say that all streams flow into the sea but that the sea is never filled because the streams eventually flow back to where they came from. In addition, these verses state that most things we fill our lives with leave us weary because we are never satisfied by what we see or hear or experience.
This reminds me of Jeremiah 2:13 –
“For my people have committed two evils against me: they have FORSAKEN ME, the fountain of living waters, and they have HEWN OUT CISTERNS FOR THEMSELVES, broken cisterns that hold no water.”
Similar to chasing after the wind, we dig out cisterns for ourselves, trying desperately to fill them – our lives – with a water that sustains. A cistern, for those who have never heard this term before, is essentially a hole dug into the ground as a means to collect and store rainwater to later drink. Such cisterns are rather ineffective; moreover, the cisterns referred to here are broken. This not only means that they hold water ineffectively, but that the existing water contains debris and dirt. Regardless, the Israelites – and all of us today – run to such cisterns for water instead of to the fountain of living water Himself. Just like the wind that we chase and but can never catch, these cisterns are dug but can never be filled. Yet we frantically put forth our best efforts into chasing the wind and digging cisterns.
The wind and the cisterns mentioned both represent very real things in our lives: control, work, relationships, comfort, comparison, lifestyle, body image, etc. Fill in the blank. What are the things that you chase after? What are the things that you base your life upon? None of these things mentioned – commonly referred to as IDOLS – can sustain nor fulfill.
They can appetize us, of course. But they cannot satisfy us.
And yes, these two words are different.
APPETIZING: something that is appealing, especially in appearance, that gives us a desire to eat or partake in or engage with
SATISFYING: something that brings pleasure, that provides what is needed, that gratifies to the full, that puts an end to doubt, that makes TRUE by fulfilling a condition
I don’t know about yall, but which would you rather be? Merely appetized, or fully satisfied? In theory, this is an easy decision. But our lives often do not reflect this.
In all honesty, my own life does not reflect this. This first chapter shook me more than I expected it to. I was convicted by the words that I read, especially after I wrote down the idols in my life that I cling to – the WINDS in my life that I chase; the CISTERNS in my life that I dig. I did not want to take action. I wanted to stay passive. I was content with being merely appetized and not fully satisfied. I stopped reading Ecclesiastes for a month so that I did not have to take action. Eventually, Jesus prompted me to dive back in, and I obeyed.
In chapter two of Ecclesiastes, Solomon gives us very real examples of the wind that we chase and the cisterns that we dig. v1-11 focuses on pleasures that we indulge in: laughter, wine, folly, projects, control, material goods, riches, entertainment, lust, position, wisdom. Solomon admits that he strove after these things because he “wanted to see what was WORTHWHILE for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives” (v3). Solomon also admits that, in all of his seeking, he uses his own wisdom to guide him (v4).
“Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
EVERYTHING WAS MEANINGLESS, a chasing after the wind;
NOTHING WAS GAINED UNDER THE SUN” (v11).
After seeking all of these tangible pleasures, Solomon still concludes that none of it was satisfying and that his wisdom was not enough. All in all, his efforts were a waste of time. In verses 12-26, Solomon contemplates wisdom versus folly. Yes, it is better to be WISE than to be a FOOL. However, wise men still perish, just as the fool does; neither will long be remembered. Wisdom is a good thing when it is wisdom that seeks to follow Christ more closely, but it is not something to obsess over. In the same way, our toils to achieve tangible and memorable things is also meaningless. Leaving a mark on others – a mark for Christ – is more worth our efforts.
The remainder of Ecclesiastes continues to focus on the constant battle between chasing the wind and chasing after Christ. Chapter 11:4 hints that when we focus on the WIND – whatever the WIND may be in our lives – we are less able to focus on CHRIST.
“Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.”
Wind is elusive. Wind is intangible. Think of the wind chime: it tells us that wind is present, yes, but it cannot CONTAIN this wind. Pleasures, intelligence, wealth, power – all of these are things that we can pursue but never CONTAIN in a way that will satisfy our hearts. A quote on this matter resonates heavily in my heart:
“Don’t waste your time trying to catch the wind;
instead, find happiness by laying hold of the WindMaker.”
Cheesy? YES. For sure. It was in my Women’s Devotional Bible. Accurate? Also YES.
I’ve taken time to write down and process through the WINDS in my life that I chase; the CISTERNS in my life that I dig. Now, I’m actively processing through how to turn from these things and turn instead to becoming more like Jesus. I’m figuring out how to leave a mark for Christ instead of for my own name: for His glory, for my joy.
What winds are you chasing? What cisterns are you digging?
I challenge you to dive into Ecclesiastes. See for yourself the impact it has. Figure out the things in your life that are ultimately meaningless. Turn from them. Turn to Christ.
-AJ
[Feature photo taken somewhere in Rome, GA]
“TOO MUCH. NOT ENOUGH.”
“This is not the moment to wilt into the underbrush of your insecurities. You’ve earned the right to GROW!”
[Cheryl Strayed – Brave Enough]
I think it has been a long time coming for me to put all of these thoughts down; for them to live somewhere other than the cracks and crevasses of my overthinking brain. For those who know me, yall know I ramble – I apologize in advance.
INSECURITIES.
We all have them. We all struggle to realize our full potential. We all wrestle with lies concerning our self-worth. We all wonder what our purpose is amidst our insecurities.
“TOO MUCH.” “NOT ENOUGH.”
These two phrases absolutely haunt me. They characterize almost every day of my life in one way or another. They loom before me like an impending storm; they follow close behind me like a stray dog begging for food. Impactful experiences, difficult conversations, thought-provoking interactions: all have worked together to create a voice inside me that speaks out lies and breeds insecurities. Satan roots himself in these dark thoughts that impede growth and diminish worth.
Too insecure. Not confident enough. Too outspoken. Not gentle enough. Too bold. Not patient enough. Too stubborn. Not trusting enough. Too talkative. Not nurturing enough. Too sensitive. Not careful enough. TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
All of these statements have been told to my face at one point or another.
<<TOO MUCH. NOT ENOUGH>>
<<TOO MUCH. NOT ENOUGH>>
If I’m not careful, these words rule over my life. And I know that I am not alone.
Feeling that I am both <<TOO MUCH>> and <<NOT ENOUGH>> at the same time…Now this, this is a confusing phenomenon that my brain is legitimately incapable of explaining logically. How is it even possible for these two extremes to coexist simultaneously in one’s heart, mind, and spirit? They contradict each other, do they not? Shouldn’t they be able to balance each other out, allowing me to live contentedly at a happy medium where I fully recognize and live out both my potential and worth?
Sadly, this is often not the case. The darkness fights to swallow me whole.
Before I came to Christ the summer of 2013, the darkness won every time. Whether it was because of the darkness that existed within me as a result of the Fall, or whether it was because of the darkness cast upon me as a result of the world’s influence, or whether it was a combination of these two darknesses is ultimately irrelevant. Both caused me to be lost and blind, living among the shadows.
Thankfully, by grace through faith, Jesus SAVES.
“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.” [Ephesians 5:8]
He brings us out of darkness and leads us into light. With this saving, He TRANSFORMS.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: the old has gone, the new has come!” [2 Corinthians 5:17]
He gives us a new heart, new desires, and a new purpose. With this transformation, He SANCTIFIES.
“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.” [Philippians 1:6]
He prunes us daily, and we are slowly becoming more like Him in every part of our being.
TRUTH WINS.
His TRUTHS
Or it should, at least. Yet, we often are unable to distinguish truth from lies. Why? The simple, obvious reason is that we are honestly kind of stupid and 100% stubborn and prideful beings (I hate to say it, but it’s true). However, there are two bigger reasons, I think. And clearly I am not the one with all the answers – that would make things far too easy and far less enjoyable – so take this with a grain of salt, if you will.
The first reason is that the world is simply unable to comprehend the light and the love that Jesus radiates. This, then, impedes our growth.
“The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not understand it.” [John 1:5]
We fight against what we do not understand. I did this far too boldly and far too often at Berry when I disagreed with a professor’s decision (oops, sorry ole Cip). I did this growing up when I simply could not wrap my head around why my parent’s wouldn’t let me put stickers on my bedroom door (honestly guys, I still don’t understand this, all the brothers got stickers on their doors?) Small examples, but they suit their purpose of illustrating the point. It seems to be a programmed part of humanity: if we do not understand something, we rebel against it. In the same way, the world fights against those who are in Christ because it does not understand why we invest our lives in the Lord.
“They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you.” [1 Peter 4:4]
Many people enter our lives and are unable to comprehend the light of Jesus within us. These people often intentionally speak lies into us that either create new insecurities or build upon current ones. Others enter our lives who are struggling with insecurities of their own, and it is simply easier for them to call out our insecurities than it is to deal with their own. Still others enter our lives – some of whom are brothers and sisters in Christ – who unintentionally speak lies into us through thoughtless remarks or careless actions. All of these words and actions infiltrate our minds and our hearts, causing our personal insecurities to multiply and intensify. <<Too much. Not enough. Too much. Not enough>>
Without TRUTH to combat these insecurities, we flounder. We fail to remain confident in who we are and what our purpose is.
This, then, is the second reason why the lies often triumph within us: we simply don’t fill ourselves with enough truth, and we lack the faith required to actually believe the truths that we DO fill ourselves with.
We have head knowledge of who God says that we are, truths that we repeat to ourselves:
I am a child of God [John 1:12]
I am a branch of the true vine [John 15:1]
I have been justified and redeemed [Romans 3:23]
I have been set free [Romans 8:2]
I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God [Ephesians 1:4]
The problem is that these truths often remain in our heads without reaching our hearts. Even after coming to Christ and learning about who Jesus says I am, I still combat feeling like I am <<too much>> of some things and <<not enough>> of others. Even after being sovereignly placed into a God-fearing and Christ-following community (yall know who you are!), I still struggle to accept their attempts to speak life, love, and light into me.
A large portion of the time, my faith is entirely too small to let God’s truths permeate through my entire being. In addition, I have discovered that it is typically easier to use the insecurities I have and the core lies I believe to explain/excuse certain behaviors I display, actions I take, or decisions I make than it is to FIGHT said insecurities and lies.
WE BECOME COMFORTABLE IN OUR INSECURITIES. WE STOP TRYING TO FIGHT THEM. We fall into the trap of conforming to the world. I have been guilty of this for far too long, with <<too much/not enough>> rattling around in my brain like coins in a piggy bank. But I’m ready to take a stand against these words that I KNOW are lies.
“If we doubt or do not believe that God is gracious and pleased with us, or if we presumptuously expect to please Him through our works, then all [efforts to comply to the Law] is pure deception, outwardly honoring God, but inwardly setting up self as a false savior.” [Martin Luther]
I am not too much for God.
& I am enough for Him, too.
nine journals documenting His goodness
Regardless of what others have told me or shown me that concerns my self-worth; regardless of the insecurities I have grown accustomed to cling to instead of combat.
Regardless of all this, I am a GLORIOUS RUIN. I am a woman made in God’s image: the capstone of His creation and a RADIANT soul called to bear and share His name unashamed [Genesis 1:31 / Psalm 34:5]. I bear God’s glory in both a uniquely feminine way and in my own individual way as God uses me to speed the day of Christ’s return in His beautiful redemptive story [2 Peter 3:12]. Yes, I am broken. I suffer from desiring control and therefore lacking faith and trust in those around me and in the Lord above. I put myself down quickly and easily believe that I am unimportant and unworthy. Like most women, I struggle with comparison and approval and the desire for a man to pursue me. As I said before, my faith is small.
Just as the father of the boy filled with the evil spirit in Mark 9 cries,
“I do believe,
HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF.”
This is my battlecry as I attempt to obediently trust and walk in the Lord’s plan. And my prayer is that it becomes yall’s battlecry as well.
We need not fit the mold of this world. Once we are children in His kingdom, stepping out of the world’s mold starts by breaking free from the chains of our insecurities. By doing so, we can stop defining ourselves by the world’s standards and by what others have to say concerning our self-worth. Instead, we can better understand who we are in CHRIST. Repeat His truths to yourself. Boldly affirm others of their worth in Christ instead of carelessly tearing them down. God created us with the capacity for our hearts to be WRITTEN ON [Jeremiah 31:33]. Sadly, our stories and our experiences have written lies and insecurities on our hearts where His truth belongs. Fight to erase the lies. Fight diligently and intentionally to replace the lies with words of the Lord.
“Do not be conformed ANY LONGER to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. THEN you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His GOOD, PLEASING, and PERFECT WILL.” [Romans 12:2]
Refuse to CONFORM.
Strive to TRANSFORM.
“It is possible to change without growing. It is impossible to grow without changing.”
[John Maxwell]
Transformation can only happen as God wills it; however, it also requires a willingness to change.
ARE YOU WILLING TO CHANGE?
-AJ
[Feature photo taken by Landon Fleeman]
ADULTING [verb]
ADULTING [verb]: When one tries to be an adult but often fails
One of my best friends and I keep joking about the concept of ADULTING. We laugh at our lives because we both look like we are 17 and act like we are 12. We joke about how we simply don’t know how to ADULT. We’ve even talked about writing a book on our attempts at ADULTING. We have even made ADULTING a real verb, used frequently in daily conversation. We laugh about it all, but, in reality, we really have finally (somehow) made it into the infamous ADULTHOOD. Bills and loans and responsibilities, hooray. No longer children; no longer college students. Somehow, we really have entered into this big ole world around us.
In my opinion, CWagz is doing better at adulting than I am, though she’ll disagree when she sees this. We graduated together last May, and she has enriched my life in many ways. She recently started her job as a teacher, where I know she will serve those children wonderfully. She is getting married in November, and I feel so honored to be a bridesmaid on her special day. She and her fiance just closed on a house yesterday. Soon, they will make this house, a HOME.
And then there’s me. I just started a part-time job as a ropes course facilitator two days ago. I’m single. House plans fell through, so I’m currently crashing on a friend’s couch. Anything that could possibly make my living-space a home is packed up in the back of Samson, my car. And in fact, just yesterday, I was told that I should not and cannot consider my job an adult job. Wait. Does that mean that I’m not adulting yet after all?
All of my life in the back of Samson
That statement actually really shook me. In fact, it spoke to my already present insecurities that I have about coming back to Rome. Good ole Rome, Georgia, where I spent four wonderful years at Berry College. A Yankee born in Maine growing to be a Peach living in Georgia. Honestly, I’ve often felt stupid for coming back to Rome. I’ve felt like a failure for not going out into this big ole world and doing “big ole things.”
My soul is filled with a longing for adventure. My spirit is characterized by a desire to GO. My heart is in love with people I haven’t met and places I haven’t seen. And my mind is focused on what is to come. Rome was never in the plan. Not in my plan, at least. It was never my intent to STAY. The comment made to me yesterday intensified the struggle within me that has been going on for the past few weeks. It intensifies more with every, “What are you still doing here?”
But, this all just goes to show that my plan is absolutely pointless.
MANY ARE THE PLANS IN A MAN’S HEART, BUT IT IS THE LORD’S PURPOSE THAT PREVAILS [Proverbs 19:21]
God has kept me here for a reason. For multiple reasons, surely. I have no idea why and I’m absolutely terrified to see how He will challenge me in this seemingly comfortable place. I’m afraid of heights for example, and yet I’m working on a ropes course. How does this happen? I’m also slow to trust people. But, yesterday, I was faced with the challenge of climbing a tree that is 62-feet tall while belayed by a fellow coworker. Needless to say, I was not only terrified of the tree itself, but also the fact that I had to trust a girl who I just met to quite literally hold my life in her hands as I climbed. When on the ground prior to climbing, I told myself that I would at least get to the halfway point of the tree. But He is already challenging me in little ways! God created me with a perseverant spirit, which I’ve always known, but saw in a new way yesterday. He also helped change my focus from trusting my belayer to trusting Him. With God as my strength, I climbed the entire tree. A sign at the top had Romans 8:39 written on it:
NEITHER HEIGHT NOR DEPTH, NOR ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION, WILL BE ABLE TO SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD.
For reasons I’m not yet aware of, God wants me here.
Sand Rock, Alabama
In 2 Chronicles 20, Jehoshaphat is faced with a huge dilemma: a large army is coming to wage war on him and his people. He first proclaims a fast for all of Judah, and then he prays desperately to God. He says to God, “WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT OUR EYES ARE ON YOU” (v12). And Jehoshaphat then tells his people in Judah and Jerusalem what the Lord said to him: “DO NOT BE AFRAID OR DISCOURAGED BECAUSE OF THIS VAST ARMY, FOR THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS, BUT GOD’S (v15).
I have no clue what, exactly, I’m supposed to be doing right now. I haven’t yet found my place in Rome sweet Home, even though I spent the last four years here. It’s because I really AM adulting – or trying to, at least. And it truly feels like a battle. The battle grows in difficulty with every, “Wait, didn’t you graduate?” Daily, I battle all of the doubts, fears, worries, and insecurities that come with staying in Rome.
But, my eyes are on the Lord.
Three summers ago, I submitted my life to Christ at a Summer Beach Project with Campus Outreach. For 19 years, I had been an atheist. I was focused on success, approval, and control. But my life was radically changed that summer. I was transformed! Renewed. Compelled by Christ’s love for me. Now, I try to focus on strengthening my relationship with Christ and giving glory to God. Daily, I resubmit my life to Christ. Daily, i lower myself into His tomb and let each day be His.
No longer my plan: HIS. No longer my life: HIS.
He helps me not be afraid. He helps me not be discouraged. And He reminds me that the battle – just like the plan for my life – isn’t MINE but HIS.
Today, I tried to adult. Instead, I napped for 3 hours. Tomorrow, I’ll try to adult again. But I only have $120 in my bank account, so I’ll probably eat a pizza lunchable for a meal.
But, at least I’m trying. And at least God is rooting Himself ever more deeply into my heart.
I AM CONFIDENT OF THIS, THAT HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL CARRY IT ON TO COMPLETION UNTIL THE DAY OF CHRIST JESUS [Philippians 1:6]
-AJ
[Featured photo taken at Winshape Teams]
a Sojourner's Thoughts 